A Father’s Day commercial I’d like to see

I laugh every time I see a Father’s Day commercial for the simple reason that the models who play the “fathers” are no more fathers than my dachshund, Billy Ray, who had his gonads surgically removed as a puppy.

A guy in a typical Father’s Day spot is a twenty-something pretty boy in swimming trunks. He has a hairless chest and washboard abs and is beaming happily as he runs out of the surf with his adopted children (one boy, one girl) and his wife. You know the kids are adopted because there’s no way the wife, who is equally delighted to be reveling in quality family time, having just flown in from Milan where she works during the week as a runway model, ever carried anything heavier in her belly than a grape -- she allows herself to eat one every other Saturday.

These commercials are hilarious. And completely unbelievable.

Here’s a script for a Father’s Day commercial I’d like to see.

Beach scene. Fortyish balding man, his hairy potbelly quivering over the waistband of his swim trunks, is emerging from the water, holding his son, who appears to be about five. The kid is bawling, screaming in pain. Camera closes in on the kid’s foot, which is bleeding.

Man thrusts kid into the arms of his wife -- imagine Kathy Bates as she looked in "Misery", wearing a one-piece swimsuit and a floppy hat -- who is sitting in a beach chair.

(Mom): What happened?

(Dad): I think he stepped on a stingray or something.

Dad leans over and opens a cooler. He removes a PBR and pops the top, spraying beer all over the kid, causing the boy to cry even harder.

(Dad): Did you bring any Band-Aids?

Dad plops into a beach chair.

(Mom, angrily): Who do you think I am, Florence Nightengale? I thought you were watching him.

(Dad): I thought you were.

Cut to close-up of mom, who is furious.

(Mom, accusingly): You were too busy drooling over that slut with fake tits.  

Cut to close-up of blood gushing from kid’s foot.

Cut to wife, realizing there’s blood all over her.

(Mom): Shit, it’s really bleeding. We have to go to the ER.

(Dad): I took him last time. Your turn. It’s Father’s Day.

Mom, holding kid who is screaming louder than ever, gets up and runs off camera. 

Dad takes a sip from his beer and winks at the camera as slut with fake tits walks into the frame and sits down in chair vacated by the wife.

Cut to box of Band Aids. Type supers over.

 BAND-AIDS 

 Pick up an extra box for Father’s Day weekend

Happy Father's Day.