Closed captioning for the language impaired

The Wire

With the exception of a few out-and-out ugly-sounding words like “blog” and “polyp,” the English language is a beautiful thing.

But there are some dialects of it that, when I hear them on TV, I simply can’t understand. For instance:

l.  Ebonics

2. British working class

3. Scottish

4. Irish

5. Australian

6. American southern white trash

A few years ago a friend lent us DVDs containing all five seasons of HBO’s critically acclaimed series, The Wire, a show about African-American drug dealers who ostensibly speak English but, in fact, speak a language that's unintelligible unless you make your living selling smack on a Baltimore street corner.

After we had watched season one, my wife, who has a better ear for dialects than I, said she couldn’t wait to start season two. “You'll be watching it by yourself,” I told her. “Why?” she asked. “Because it might as well be in Mandarin. I can't understand what the hell they're saying half the time.”

Our son, who had also been urging us to watch the show, was incredulous when he learned I was about to become a Wire drop-out. “I have a friend from Kazakhstan who understood it. Why can’t you?”

“Because I’m a white guy from Connecticut who doesn’t hear all that well in the first place.”

“So do what my friend did – turn on the subtitles.”

Cha-ching.

I watched the rest of The Wire with subtitles, intended for use by the hearing impaired, and understood every word.

And now I turn on subtitles whenever I’m watching something I can’t understand.

The servants of Downton Abbey

Last night we started watching on Netflix season one of BBC’s Downton Abbey, a series about a wealthy British family and their servants. It begins with the servants bustling about the house, talking animatedly among themselves. They could have been speaking Bulgarian for all I could understand of the dialogue. “I’m starting at the beginning and turning on the subtitles,” I announced after the first few minutes.

My wife made fun of me, loudly reading the subtitles for the non-spoken portions of the audio track as if I were deaf. “SOUND OF TELEGRAPH TICKER.” “DOOR CREAKS OPEN SLOWLY.”

I ignored her, thoroughly enjoyed the first two episodes and am looking forward to binge-watching three seasons of Downton over the next few weeks. 

I'm almost sure I saw this white trash-talking mama
on my last trip to Missouri

I once watched five minutes – that's all I could stand – ­­of Honey Boo-Boo, a reality series about a white trash southern family that takes their young daughter to Jon Benet-style beauty pageants. The version of English these characters speak is so bizarre that almost every word is subtitled. (For the record, I swear I saw Honey’s mother two weeks ago. She was in the drive-through lane of a McDonald’s in Hannibal, Mo., sitting behind the wheel of a PT Cruiser, her left arm hanging out of the window, the fat flapping in the breeze like a cow's udder in a hurricane. But I digress.)

My point – I do have one – is this: If you have trouble with dialects on TV, try watching with subtitles.  

It might enable you to enjoy lots of shows you can’t understand, with one exception: Honey Boo-Boo.

No mofo in his or her right mind could possibly enjoy that.