Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo, a day food snobs set aside each year to pay homage to a tasteless, cholesterol-riddled blob of congealed grease they pretend to like because it was invented in France -- mayonnaise.I say the Hellmann's with them.
I'm proclaiming today, May 4th, as
Cuatro de Miracle Whip.
Miracle Whip is all-American (invented in the 1930s by Kraft), lower in fat and calories and, because it's made with sugar and other good stuff, is tangy and delicious, zipping up anything it's added to. You can eat Miracle Whip right out of the jar. Mayo? No way.
There is no better summer sandwich than fresh-from-the-garden tomatoes slicked thick,
laid over good bread, and slathered with Miracle Whip. Can you imagine making that
with mayo?
I grew up in one of those red states where Miracle Whip reigns supreme. My dad's store didn't even carry mayo. Nobody ever asked for it. But I've spent most of my life in blue states, where folks would no more admit to using Miracle Whip than they would admit voting Republican.
First time I ordered a sandwich in a New York deli, the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted mayo. "Do you have Miracle Whip?" I asked. He looked at me as if I had requested he spread shit on my ham and Swiss. "God, no."
After a few weeks asking for Miracle Whip at other delis, I gave up and had to settle for mayo whenever I ordered a sandwich. But in the privacy of my own home, we use Miracle Whip. (Correction: Miracle Whip Light. Even with less sugar, it has 100 times more flavor than mayo.)
My aunt's sister, Vernetta, was known as one of central Missouri's best cooks. People flocked from miles around whenever she was cooking at a local food festival or church supper. Her advice to aspiring chefs? "If it doesn't taste right, you need to add more chocolate, Velveeta or Miracle Whip."
Great lady. And smart as a Whip.
Tom, Tom, Tom...
ReplyDeleteUp to this point, you were one of my favorite people, until you had to go spoil it by announcing your love of ... Miracle Crap! (you can't see me, but I'm retching right now.) This dreck tries to pass itself off as mayonnaise, but in reality, it's a watery (vinegary-tasting "comes" to mind)salad dressing.
I love mayo. When I was a kid, my Aunt Louise asked me what kind of sandwich I wanted for lunch. I said, "Mayonnaise." She said, "What else?" I said, "That's it, just mayonnaise."
I can lick a spoon that's just been used to apply mayo to a sandwich with my eyes rolling heavenward.
It doesn't make you a bad person for liking MW--being from Missouri takes care of that! (Just kidding!) You'll probably never have me over for lunch, but if you do, I'll take mustard. Gulden's.
Just what I would expect from a native New Yorker. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
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